Posts Tagged ‘ alone ’

Why do we write?

Why do we write?  Why do we care?  My life and my goals are always present but at times I don’t know how to reconcile the two.  Those I hold close go away and those who I tell myself cares about me are liars just as I am a liar.  The need is always present, for me to rescue, for me to save, to make this a better place for anyone but myself.

It is odd how just a few life events can shape an entire existence.  How they can determine my choices, both good and bad.  The light brings all my discretions to air, brings them about for others to see, for them to judge.  You may ask what my preoccupation with justice is, why I care, and yet I judge myself so harshly.  It is to the point that those who once cared about me can even use my own sense of justice against me.  I become a target for those who want to lash out, for those who want to hurt, and I absorb this and allow it inside my head.  These thoughts are as welcome as my own self-doubt, my indiscretions as a father, as a lover, as a soul.

Part of me wants to go back, to go to whichever war needs fighting, and to lose myself in the destruction, perhaps over there I can save someone, for I am already lost.  My soul is the one untouchable thing that I cannot destroy, it can be cracked and torn, filthy and unwanted by all around, but it is something that nobody can take from me.  My only true possessions are the thoughts in my head and my soul.  I’m good at finding things, at breaking things, and at learning.  My skillset travels with me as I journey through this life.  My goals are still unmet and I will not leave this earth without reaching at least part of those, if not all.

As I was saying before, like others, my life is shaped by a few events which have affected me, events that I want to control and which end up controlling me in their own way.  I want to be loved and to love, to have life and to live.  I will find these things eventually and perhaps someday it will be said that I was a good father, if nothing else in this life I want that…

Benny and Serenity

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Life is adventure, and fear…

Days blend to weeks and weeks to years.  We often find ourselves feeling spent and done with.  I feel that way lately, stressed about school, about work, and about the finalizing of my divorce.  Not to mention bills and such.  Then I look at life, look at those around me, the strangers I see pass me by.  They too are living life.  This stressful world we live in is wonderful, difficult, and absurd all at the same time.

The things that happen to us, part of me believes that there is a reason for everything, but the other side of that coin is that there must be some level of chaos, of unpredictability.  I get lost in it all, but I also think that is the point of life as well.  People talk of thriving, of never having a care in the world.  I am content right now to keep my head afloat, and in a few weeks or months I will be sailing again on the choppy and wonderfully unpredictable sea of life.

One last thing… something my father once told me.  There are always choices.  You can do anything you want to.  You just need to do it.  People travel the world on less money than I have, they build wonders and write of their adventures.  There are very few real excuses to be made.  Me?  I will take life one day at a time, but with my eye on my goals.  I never want to lose sight of my dreams entirely.  So next time the waves cover my head, I will remember that the surface is above me, all I need to do is swim back up to it.  Sometimes easier said than done, but that is indeed life.

Key West, FL Motorcycle Trip April 2010

So I took a trip with 2 of my co-workers to Key West.  It was 806 miles round trip and it was amazing.  I saw so many wonderful things and had a blast riding through such awe inspiring terrain.  Here are some photos of my trip, I hope you can get a taste of what I saw.  Oh and all was good until the last 20 miles when the rain hit me 😦  It was pretty bad, but lucky for me it was at the very end of my trip.

Rough Weeks behind me…

It is odd what the world brings.  What life will deliver to you.  Odd how hard life can be.  Regardless of what you have on your plate as an adult you are never able to shirk your responsibility to your children.  Grin and bare it is what I do.  When you feel like life has raked you over the coals you don’t let the hurt show in your face as you hold your children.  They will learn soon enough on the grand scale that life is not fair, so in the meanwhile you spare them those hardships that keep you awake at night.

You can see broken people everyday, hell, I see one every time I look in the mirror but life goes on and you show your children that you love them every way you can.  I have gone through mediation with my ex and I am still alive and ticking, a little worse for wear but still up and walking.  On top of all that there will always be the ghosts of Iraq that seem to haunt me from my time in the Army.

I am not trying to bring any of you down, I am just speaking from my heart, telling you where my head is and my priorities.  Regardless of all that is said and done, your children are your priorities.  I will have mine this coming weekend and we will have a good time, a smile will be on my face and it will come naturally.  They will always make me smile, the best I do will never be good enough, but the love I have for my kids is genuine and in that I am content.

USF Orientation

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So I’m sitting here at USF (University of South Florida) for transfer student orientation.  I’m one of those military guys who has a bunch of college credit but no actual degree.  I’ve gone to 3 different schools… I figured it was time to settle down and just complete my BA.  In what you ask?  Yeah, I’ll tell ya when I know.  I have a bunch of language credits (I’m fluent in Arabic), a bunch of Psychology credits and that’s about it.  It is my first time in a brick and mortar institution, most of my time in high education has been spent doing online classes or in military college institutions (like the defense language institute).

So what am I feeling you ask?  Not overwhelmed but out-of-place may be more accurate.  I see so many young boys and girls here, freshmen or sophomores who are in their late teens or early twenties.  At least with the online classes I didn’t feel so old because they were impersonal and anonymous.   We shall see how I do.  I think that I can fit in here and it will be exciting to expand my horizons and options but for now I’ll be happy to sit here with my headphones on by my lonesome self rather than to mingle with those who I can no longer identify with (I am a 3 tour combat veteran, a single father of 2 and a full-time job).  Perhaps in time those connections will form.

Nevadog on Being a Single Father

What does being a father mean to me? I have spent my life as a professional soldier in the United States Military and continue to serve my country in other capacities since leaving, and for me, all my military accomplishments, all the honor and the glory I have seen in battle, in my 2 years deployed to Iraq, all my efforts.  They all pale in comparison to being a good father.  I strongly believe that even alone as a single male I am capable of raising my children to be healthy and to understand what a healthy relationship entails.

I strive to set goals for us as individuals but also as a family unit, goals like our fishing trips, the 5k we ran as a family team, visiting their great-grandfather (my grandpa), I set these goals and help accomplish them so that in time my children will have lasting memories of what a good and healthy childhood is.  In my time with them I push them farther than they realize they can accomplish, I do this by listing to NPR in the mornings, explaining to them what is going on in the world news and then asking them questions.  I am often astounded when they ask me more questions back.  They are INTERESTED when I give them data, when I give them problems to solve and when I create challenges for them to complete.  They are amazed when they create stuff, both in the kitchen and in the woods.  They love it when I tell my stories and make fiction for them to be immersed in.  Telling stories is such a rich and rewarding part of my days with my children, both for them and for me.

Not everything they do is without fault.  I have to play the bad guy at times too.  Allowing them to have consequences for their actions (both good and bad) and watch as they suffer through those consequences.  For instance, I have found that my son (who is 12) has such a better time reflecting on his actions when I ask him to write me a paper on respecting his family, or on treating his sister better (or whatever it happened to be) because it causes him to reflect and actually write from his heart rather than give his cop-out answers like, “I wasn’t paying attention,” or “I didn’t mean to”.  For my daughter letting her know (she is 8 ) that I am ashamed or hurt by her makes her realize just what she did was wrong.  Both of my children are very mature and very different emotionally in how they act and how they react and I love both of them for their individuality.

I write this not to brag, not to boast, simply to show that anyone (even a broken and at times lonely and sad army vet) can be a good and wonderful father.  You just need to pay attention and to show love.