Christmas is a lonely day

Christmas was hard.  Yeah, I realize that it is only 8:40 in the morning but already it is done for me.  The kids woke me up at 6 am and by 7:10 we were at my ex’s place.  Santa had come.  The kids had written him and told him that while they were spending Christmas Eve with me that they would be at their mother’s place in the morning so if it wasn’t too much trouble, if Santa could please deliver there.

It felt odd being in her place with her roommate and her roommate’s husband and “their” child who were all there having their separate Christmas together, a Christmas that my ex was a part of but which my only connection was through my children and their joy.  I sat there like a stranger looking through a window of a place that was not his.  My dog Benny came with the kids and I when we went there so he and I spent a majority of the time outside playing with the Frisbee so as not to be in the way.  My ex asked me to stay for breakfast but seeing as how I wasn’t really spoken too by the other members living in that house (other than my children of course) it just felt awkward.

I had to go.  Alone is something that I have been quite a lot over the last year and a half.  Even though I don’t really care for my own company I make due.  Christmas Eve was amazing, I have those memories with my kids that we created together and for that I am lucky and joyful, but Christmas day is different.  You know what?  The holidays suck, they are hard and stupid and we make them out in our head to be so much bigger than they need to be (I am not meaning for my kids, but for myself).  We expect to feel some sense of something bigger than ourselves but really it is just you and all your own demons together for some good alone time when all is said and done.

I will be fine though, I have a lunch with one of my wonderful friends from the military who I thank God for every day.  His name is Daniel.  He and I served 2 tours in Iraq together and we both understand that our lives have been and will always be changed because of the things we saw and the things we did.  He understands my pain as I understand his and I am so very thankful that he and his wife have so graciously invited me to spend Christmas day with them starting at lunch.

As I drove away from the home that is no longer mine I called my dad.  He too understands me.  He has served in combat (Vietnam) and he too has gone through divorce, loneliness and pain.  I called him and I felt the tears coming as I told him I loved him and that I wished him a merry Christmas.  He is a good man, a great man really.  The people in my life are ones whom I do not deserve but who bless me by accepting me with ALL my flaws.

I suppose this is how Christmas is as a single father, awkward and alone, but happy that your kids are so wonderful and so loving.  Merry Christmas to all of you and I wish you a happy new year…

    • [Not]RedHead
    • December 27th, 2009

    So what came of your kids Christmas surprise you had planned? And this weekend? What fun adventure did you take them on? I know it feels good to vent about the unhappy things but it will equally feel good to talk about the good times. Please share with those of us who aren’t as adventorous what fun you did have for Christmas this year with and without the kids. Keep your chin up! :]

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